The Book of Unnecessary Quotation Marks: A Celebration of Creative Punctuation Read online

  Contents

  Introduction

  At Work

  At the Store

  On the Menu

  On the Road

  In the Bathroom

  Social Graces

  Seasonal

  Miscellaneous

  Acknowledgments

  Contributors

  QUOTATION MARKS AND THE “NEW” “YOU”

  Today is the first day of the rest of your “life,” because you are reading this “book,” which will change the way you view punctuation forever. Before, you may have used quotation marks sparingly—for example, when quoting someone. Perhaps you thought there were grammatical rules, limiting the possible occasions for using the humble quotation mark. That may once have been the case. But from my experience curating the “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks, I can tell you that people are developing new and exciting ways to use the quotation mark every day. In fact, there are literally “millions” of ways to use these little word adornments to express yourself.

  They are much more than mere punctuation. They can serve so many purposes! Quotation marks are like the character actors of print, playing a wide variety of roles. They’re the little tchotchkes that spruce up an otherwise plain statement, the word dimples that mark an adorable pun, or the punctuation equivalent of the ironic hipster mustache, assuring your audience that you are WAY too cool to mean that particular word sincerely (or, perhaps, that you are cool enough to know that mustaches are the new goatee).

  Not sure how to start using quotation marks yourself, or how to interpret their myriad meanings? Well, don’t be frightened—that’s what this book is here to teach you. After some practice, you’ll find that quotation marks are merely the makings of a fun linguistic puzzle for you to solve. To help you on your way toward better integrating quotation marks into your life (and understanding those you encounter on a day-to-day basis), I’ve assembled a list of the various ways quotation marks are used in the world around us. Of course, new meanings for the quotation mark are popping up every day, so you’ll want to keep track of your own findings and discoveries, too (see “Proper Quotation-Mark-Spotting Gear & Attire”). The pages that follow contain some basic categories of quotation mark use that will guide you through the rest of this book.

  USE: Quotation

  EXPLANATION: A very popular historical use for the quotation mark, a quotation is something somebody once said somewhere. For example, “I have a dream” is something Martin Luther King Jr. said once.

  Here’s a classic quote. Who said that? Yeats?

  USE: Nickname

  EXPLANATION: A person’s or place’s nickname or assumed name is often marked by quotation marks. Just ask my friend “The Drooler.”

  This boat is nicknamed “Fun Ship,” which has a much better ring to it than its original nickname, “Drudgery Vessel.”

  USE: Sarcasm or disbelief

  EXPLANATION: Quotation marks are often used to indicate the opposite of the word that they quote. For example, those cookies are so “healthy.”

  Here, it depends on your definition of “fresh.”

  USE: Title

  EXPLANATION: Songs, poems, and other short pieces of art are often marked by quotation marks. For instance, you might ask someone to come and view a performance piece titled “Please Close Door.”

  “Bathroom call at lunch” is a little-known Star Wars-themed dance. The best part is when you blow up the Death Star.

  USE: Euphemism

  EXPLANATION: Sometimes we are too delicate to be explicit. Quotation marks can help even the most squeamish person say dirty or inappropriate things comfortably. You know, like when your parents stay home alone to “clean up the place.”

  Basically, don’t do anything. And really don’t do anything that “hanging out” might be a euphemism for.

  USE: Slang

  EXPLANATION: Popular slang terms are often placed in quotation marks—this is especially common when the writer considers herself too elite to use said term seriously. For example, when your pretentious friend asks if you are having “fun” shopping for some “bling.”

  USE: Turn of phrase

  EXPLANATION: As with slang terms, quotation marks can help clarify when you don’t mean something literally. Nobody is actually “putting lipstick on a pig,” and when you win three hands of poker in a row, you do not literally ignite, even if you are “on fire.”

  You know, “Any Other Film or Book,” as the kids say.

  USE: Pun

  EXPLANATION: In case your joke is so subtle (or terrible) that you don’t think people will notice the pun, quotation marks can serve to elicit the groan you are looking for.

  In this case, the quotation marks are like a street sign: Warning! Bad pun approaching!

  USE: Code

  EXPLANATION: When dealing with secret government agencies or illegal activities, sometimes you have to use code words—put them in quotation marks to make them more effective. For example, ship the “gift” to my “cousin’s” house in D.C.

  This sign is clearly speaking in code about, um, something.

  USE: Insincerity

  EXPLANATION: Quotation marks are a good way to pretend to mean something that you don’t mean, or to make “promises” that you don’t think you’ll be able to keep. Like, how this crappy DVD player that I’m selling out of the back of my truck is “100%” not stolen and is “backed by a lifetime warranty.”

  Yeah, home weekends “guaranteed”—they really “mean it.”

  USE: Symptom of descent into madness

  EXPLANATION: Sometimes quotation marks are simply part of the insane scribblings of a deranged mind, or have symbolism that is meaningful only to the writer and the other voices in his head.

  Now that you have these common interpretations under your belt, you are probably feeling pretty confident about your ability to recognize quotation mark use in your everyday life. The celebration isn’t over, though. The rest of this book will give you more examples of the use and misuse of quotation marks, sensical and non, that will enlighten and enliven your shopping, travels, and social interactions. Creative and exciting uses of quotation marks can pop up where you least expect them: keep an eye out as you go about your day, shop, eat, work, drive, and, um, “do your business.”

  WHAT DO YOU NEED TO FIND AND INTERPRET THE CREATIVE USES OF QUOTATION MARKS?

  → safari vest with lots of pockets for your gear

  → some kind of helmet (for safety)

  → camera (one that also has video is best, in case you catch someone making finger quotes in their speech)

  → notebook for documenting and categorizing finds

  → tape recorder as notebook backup

  → laser pointer

  → headlamp

  → kazoo

  Where are you most likely to find sarcasm, disingenuousness, and coy euphemisms? That’s right, on the job. With your “qualified” boss and “appreciative” co-workers who are “interested” in your “safety,” the workplace atmosphere is ripe for the creative use of punctuation. No matter what your career, you have to be on the lookout for hidden meanings at every turn.

  At this office, your “value” is equal to one piece of candy.

  Okay, Joe—whatever you say.

  Otherwise known as “funny business” or “interoffice” “affairs.”

  These are all the same person, dressed in different outfits. The wigs are hilarious!

  “ONLY” IS A COMMON NICKNAME for A LOT of THINGS YOU MIGHT
ENCOUNTER in THE WORKPLACE.

  Like construction sites.

  And nurseries.

  And customers.

  And doors.

  Here, a subtle dare to remove and hide personal faxes.

  As a famous man once said, “In case of fire, do not use.” And then he made the noise backward quotation marks make.

  In the workplace, we’re often forced to make promises that we can’t keep. “I’ll have that expense report to you by Monday,” for example, or “I won’t ever replace you with a machine.” Quotation marks are a great way to make those promises without being bound to them. Just put it in quotes, and it’s clear that you only kind of mean it.

  “Pet friendly” is secret code that pets are not allowed here.

  At this office, the employees put on a great dance routine to the classic tune “Don’t Be Shy”—customers get to play the tambourine.

  There is nothing important about this.

  A not-so-subtle wink to the renters who would use the space as a drug front.

  This sign is making fun of the way you walk. Because, seriously, the way you get from place to place is more like shuffling or stumbling.

  Actually, it’s my private door that only I am allowed to use.

  Maybe some people would consider a shaftway dangerous, but I laugh in the face of “danger.” Hahaha! Ha.

  When in doubt of someone’s name, put it in quotation marks. That way, you can always pretend it’s a new nickname you just made up.

  It’s a sad excuse for a lobby.

  Looking for someone to work for free.

  OF COURSE, QUOTATION MARKS CAN ALSO HELP OFFER TIME-TESTED ADVICE AND ENCOURAGEMENT TO THOSE ABOUT TO ENTER THE WORKFORCE FOR THE FIRST TIME:

  Well, maybe it’s a simulated world run by robot computers. But, in any case, sooner or later you’ll go out into it.

  “The Best” equals “a dead-end job,” “ungrateful children,” and “bankrupt Social Security in your old age.”

  It’s hard to know what you’re buying when you go shopping these days. Some stores might have policies that only apply to some “people,” or “products” that are only for sale on one of the “7” days in the week. Deciphering rules, regulations, and terms of sale may have been a challenge in the past, but not after you’re familiar with our good friend the quotation mark.

  Nothing like food made out of “groceries.”

  Certainly, not EVERYTHING about these chickens’ lives was natural. Domestication, for starters.

  This is obviously a front for the Mob.

  “Store” is Australian for “store.”

  As this sign proves, tiny quotation marks can be used to daintily make innocuous words into dirty euphemisms. I mean, “bargain” “corner”? Gross!

  You keep using that expression. I do not think it means what you think it means.

  Want to know what makes the “special” milk so “special”? Pot.

  Want to know what makes the “special” buys so “special”? Unicorn kisses.

  Or whatever.

  Don’t tell the raspberries how obvious it is that English is their second language. They would be so embarrassed.

  “Florida” is the nickname of the person who grew these oranges.

  Don’t let the sign fool you— these sunglasses are totally square.

  If by “Girl Scout” you mean “Boy Scout,” and by “Cookies” you mean “magazine subscriptions,” then yes. They are here.

  Candy isn’t one of those things where freshness is really important, so some approximation of fresh is acceptable here.

  These strawberries are from the same continent we live on. They are “local.”

  Some stores prefer to use nonbinding numbers to set their hours and motivate customers.

  For example, the hours here are flexible. It depends on when the teenagers who are running the place get bored enough to either leave or fall asleep.

  If they are all cow parts, that still counts.

  Sloppy Joe liked to walk around saying “since 1937.” Sure, it’s a weird catch phrase, but that’s Joe for you.

  So tough it’s actually more of a “gnaw.”

  Pants with the leg holes sewn together.

  Aaah! Talking cherries!

  When are “store-hours” you ask? Depends on if they want your crap or not.

  Among the “stylish” clothes sold here: T-shirts with shoulder pads, stirrup pants, orthopedic shoes, banana hammocks.

  These are for cocktails, obviously.

  Anything you blow on is on sale.

  “Hot Buy” is just a colloquial term—Krystal Kleer Summer Formula is usually served cold. Like gazpacho.

  A “final” sale is one that might arbitrarily be eligible for a refund.

  Even in the store, the use of quotation marks has been known to defy explanation from time to time.

  The worms are here in the store, not here in these soda cans. That would be a real can of … never mind.

  You can only enter “this” “store” if you can decode “this” “sign.”

  If you thought your quotation mark problems ended at the store, you would be sorely mistaken. Prepared foods are full of imposter ingredients and tricky adjectives. They are frequently dished up by chefs uncertain about their own ingredients and served to you by a perplexingly vague wait-staff. Interpreting the unsettling questions that quotation marks raise in this area will help you learn which “foods” to order and which “restaurants” to avoid.

  This could be any restaurant, anywhere.

  It’s an approximate number of days.

  This is really more of a restaurant of beef.

  Isn’t that what you kids call “sandwiches” these days?

  Sure you do.

  The waiters will pretend to be frazzled when they finally get to your table.

  There is no such thing as free chips.

  Here, you get to create another costomer's salad.

  Let’s write a word that has something to do with the Internet. “Online” seems good enough.

  By day it's a mild-mannered salad bar.

  “Resident” is another term for “owner of the restaurant.”

  THIS SIGN HAS SO MUCH GOING ON, IT NEEDS BULLET POINTS:

  Does the grilled chicken have attention deficit disorder?

  Are the salads “naked”?

  Are “sandwichs” different from “sandwiches”?

  What’s the difference between Now “Beer/Wine” and “Now” Beer/Wine?

  Or should we just give in, and hope that the “coffee” has a little Irish in it?

  How do you know if something at a restaurant is good? First, check for quotation marks:

  Three little words that become deeply unsettling with the addition of quotation marks.

  Sounds “yummy.”

  It’s difficult to know what you’re actually ordering when the ingredients are shrouded in quotation marks. Figuring it out takes practice and a keen eye:

  For instance, this bread probably secretly has chocolate chips in it.

  “Double” of nothing is still nothing. And that makes the “Turkey Reuben” a lighter nothing sandwich. Don’t even ask me what constitutes “the works”—you don’t want to know.

  This beef recently immigrated.

  Well, okay, everything on the menu comes from the same giant can of Food Product. That’s still a “recipe.”